Writing Letters

30 November, 2020. The UK has had 1,617,327 positive Coronavirus cases, and more than 58,245 people have died.

I’ve been trying to write a letter for about 6 weeks. It’s to someone I’ve never met, and it’s a moment of connection, a thread connecting me to the Pull Up a Chair residency. The theme I’ve been given is ‘Pride’, and what that means for the people and communities of Gravesham.

My confidence is at a pretty low ebb, in myself as an artist, and in the point of making art in this world now. We’re over three weeks into the second lockdown, and we’re all tired. The possibility of connection with family and friends feels even further away. Writing this letter has been on my To Do list every day, and I’ve skirted around it or just flat out ignored it and hidden doing my laundry.

I’m wrestling with ‘Pride’; what it means, and with all the meanings it has acquired. I notice I often think of the word in a reductive way, that somehow it makes things smaller or tighter. It feels unstable, stretched somehow. I take a walk and make a mental list of all the places where I hear the word pride spoken, or that I associate with word – it instantly becomes more expansive and inclusive. The LGBTQI+ community have claimed the word in a vital, political act – pride is joyous, strong and takes up space. This claiming energises me.

The dictionary definition offers more possibilities.

Pride

Noun

1. a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.

"the team was bursting with pride after recording a sensational victory"

Similar: pleasure, joy, delight, gratification, fulfilment, satisfaction, sense of achievement, comfort, content, contentment

2. consciousness of one's own dignity.

"he swallowed his pride and asked for help"

Similar: self-esteem, dignity, honour, self-respect, ego, self-worth, self-image, self-identity, self-regard, pride in oneself, pride in one's abilities, belief in one's worth, faith in oneself, amour propre

Opposite: shame

verb

1. be especially proud of (a particular quality or skill).

"he prided himself on his honesty"

I recognise the impact of my upbringing, a vaguely Methodist culture, in which pride was nearly always a sin. This planted the idea of pride as individualistic and not communal. ‘Pride come before a fall’ just keeps bouncing back through my brain.

This is not helping me write my letter. 

What I’m really wrestling with is the enquiry at the heart of this residency – how to bring pride, art and community into focus, how to explore the relationships between these things.  I’m searching for the questions that will shape the start of the conversations I will have, which will guide my thinking. 

I notice I’m trying very hard to get this right – I want to do the best possible job. In doing this, I’m letting pride get in the way of connection, of creating. In looking for a more positive motivation, I remember how much I love receiving letters, how right now, a letter would be a break from the everyday and might bring a moment of pleasure or interest.

So I sit down and I write a list of questions for inclusion in the letter. They aren’t perfect, but I know I’ll be interested in the answers;

• What are you proud of?
• What do you take pride in?
• What are the best things about being proud or taking pride?
• What are the worst things about being proud or taking pride?
• Are you proud of Gravesham? Why or why not?
• What do you wish people in your community took more pride in?
• What is your favourite place to visit in Gravesham? 
• Is there anything I should make sure to do when I finally get to visit?

And then I write a letter, and a little buzz of excitement is rekindled – a moment of connection to someone in a place I am yet to discover.